Malcolm II
Malcolm II was the second gentleman to carry the title of Malcolm. Becoming the Malcolm Deiondre was recruited at age twelve by Malcolm I as his young apprentice. He distinguished himself from the first Malcolm's other students with his eagerness to learn and his natural affinity for being a nice guy. No matter how hard Malcolm I tried, he could not break Deiondre's friendly spirit. When the aging master decided that it was time to test out his process for recreating his discovery of the sabre of Malcolm, he chose Deiondre as his heir and successor. While taking a bath, Deoindre shut his eyes and ducked his poofy afro under the water to rinse the shampoo all out of it. When he surfaced and opened his eyes, he beheld the bleached-white, severed arm of Malcolm I bobbing up and down in his bathtub, sabre held in its closed fist. Deiondre reached out and took the mystical weapon, then threw up twice more than Malcolm I had when he became the Malcolm in New Orleans and had to take three more baths and a shower before he was completely clean. Malcolm I's other students were envious of the new title of Malcolm II. Many of them tried to rise up and rebel against him, believing that the name of Malcolm was rightfully due unto them. Malcolm II defended his status. He was attacked in his sleep by a group of disenfranchised former pupils of the old Malcolm, but he drew upon his skills as a duelist and swordsman and his training to fight them off. In the early morning a couple of mere hours past midnight, he stood framed in the doorway to his bedroom, backlit by moonlight, and he efficiently and ruthlessly slew any who dared to challenge him. The image's iconicness struck one of the rebels so much that he converted to Buddhism, became a pacifist, and painted a beautiful piece of artwork depicting the scene. He is now burning in Hell for turning his back on the One True God, but Jesus has that nice painting mounted on his office wall. Nobody really challenged the right of Malcolm II after that bloody battle. Major Achievements Malcolm II fought for civil rights in a very friendly way. He would first politely request that enemies of freedom stop being so hateful and wicked and invite them to dinner, offering to pay. If said enemy of freedom refused to comply, he would offer him or her free tickets to the local bowling alley. If the enemy of freedom remained defiant, then he would stab his sabre through the chest of the foe and pull it out with his or her heart impaled on the end like a shish kabob. Another great achievement of Malcolm II was the Battle of the Alamo. He led the American forces to a decisive victory over the illegal Mexican immigrants who had attacked the Alamo. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Black Friend A little-known fact about Malcolm II is that he was Charlton Heston's black friend. He and Heston spent many quiet, tranquil days on the plains of the American Midwest hunting bears and talking about how the flat, grassy landscape would soon be buried under sprawling farms, freeways, hamlets, and megachurches. They were not gay, however. Malcolm II was actually one of the only Malcolms to ever take a wife: Harriet Tubman, hero of the free black movement. If Heston had been black, it seems likely that he would have become the third Malcolm - but alas, this could not be so. An Inconvenient Death One of Malcolm II's less becoming traits was his distaste for organized war. While he approved of violence on a personal level, Malcolm II opposed mass bombing campaigns and large-scale assaults and invasions. It was at a protest rally for some war that Malcolm II was mortally wounded by a barrage of rubbish flung as projectiles by rioters. The badly injured Malcolm II, knowing that he would not survive for much longer, crawled to the house of his part-time student Roshaun and left his bleached and dismembered right arm, sabre clenched in its hand, for him to find. He then clambered into the cupboard under Roshaun's bathroom sink and died in agony. See Also * Roots * Black * Black Friend